Extreme Gardening #5 Extreme Gardening #5

(Photo: c. 2006 John Carlson)

Extreme Gardening
By Sean McEntee, your vegetal correspondent

Mulch ado about nothing.

My late father was fond of Scottish omelettes, his recipe was simple: First you steal two eggs…
Bear this in mind when choosing mulch for your garden. Many smokers tell me the best cigarettes are O.P.’s, perhaps this holds true with mulch.

Under cover of darkness, on the new moon, creep into a local field that has a good crop of hay and, with your scythe, mow down about an acre and a half of hay and quickly shock it. Drag the shocks to the side of the road and then rush them home to be spread about your garden.

You should be finished no later than 1:30 am. Be sure to get a good night’s sleep so you look well rested the next morning at the diner while you feign disgust and outrage at the news of someone’s nefarious harvesting.

Blisters on your hands are a dead give away. Simply eat your breakfast wearing rabbit skin mittens, pointedly ignoring any comments people might make. Tell them you are breaking in the mittens so they’ll be super comfy by winter.

The benefits of mulching are hotly debated; is possible prison time worth soil tilth and aeration? Write to us from the big house and let us know.